Mommie Dearest

Hello my long lost friends!  I'm sorry that I punted this blog for so long but it was a long and busy summer.  And this will be a long and busy fall as well, but I'm going to try to do better about throwing out some sparkle.  So I have had a ton of post ideas (never while I'm at my computer) that were obviously hilarious and witty, that I kept thinking I would get to and didn't.  But rather than get hung up on those, or catch you up on the many ridiculous things that happened to me since I last wrote, I am just pushing ahead and starting with the latest.  Perhaps some day I will delight you tales of my reinvigorated Mini-SD stalker tendencies and why Tumblr might be the best thing that has ever happened to my marriage.  (for real)

Anyway-on to the latest evidence that I might be the worst mother ever.  So yesterday, as usual, I am running late for work, and Mini is dragging her ass getting ready for school.  (Side note: She is in big girl school now and I fucking LOVE that she has to wear a uniform and we no longer have to fight about the fact that she can't wear her favorite "sparkly shirt" every goddamned day!!!)

So I'm late, and Mini is ignoring my repeated requests to put her shoes on because she is mezmerized by the latest episode of Sofia that she has already watched 50 fucking times.  (Seriously Sofia-just throw a normal tea party like the poor folk do and ignore your stuck up bitch of a sister Amber!)  As I am running around, trying to get out the door, she just stands in front of the TV with one sock on and holding her fucking shoes. As I yell and turn the TV off, she finally snaps to and puts her fucking shoes on.  And then, the last part of our morning routine-Mommy has to do Mini's hair.  It's a battle every day.  "You're hurting my head!  I want a hairband, not a pony!  I want the pink bow not the purple one!"  Seriously-I want to punch myself in the face every morning when we go through this.

But yesterday-as she's getting teary because I turned off Sofia, she looks at me and says "Mommy, I want braids in my hair today."  To which I say, "Mini.  We don't have time for braids.  Mommy is late."  Of course this makes me a terrible mother and she starts crying because I "PROMISED" to do braids like her new friend wears.  (I did-but tell me why the fuck she remembers the little shit like that, but forgets important things like wiping after she pees and using a fork to eat salad?)  So then, I'm like "FINE, Mini.  FINE.  I'll do braids!"  I reach for the hair brush that is always in the same spot, with all of her ponytail holders on the handle so that when I am running late, they are right there.  Except.  What's this?!  I see the brush but the dozen or so pony holders are no where to be found!  So I throw down the brush and say "Mini!!  Where are all of your ponies?!" in a voice that perhaps is a wee bit harsh.  Maybe in a tone more along the lines of:

At this point, Mister steps in and is all "It's okay, Mini. I'll go get the ponys!" and dashes upstairs where Mini has told us she put them in her "special treasures drawer."  So I'm brushing Mini's hair, trying not to pound her head with the brush as she is crying.  Super Daddy comes down with the ponys and hands them to me with a look like "It's okay babe, I got this!"  To which I respond with a look like:

Literally-that is what did behind my four year old daughters back.  And then when I am trying to do the fucking braids, and Mini is still fucking crying, Mister says "It's okay Mini.  Mommy isn't mad at you, right Mommy?"    FUCK YOU DUDE.  Yes, I am mad!  But I'm a mediocre parent-not a REALLY bad one, so I say "No, Mini.  Mommy isn't mad.  Mommy just doesn't have time TO DO A FUCKING BRAID!" Word for word, honest to God, that is what I said out loud.  So Mini is still crying and Mister is like "Maybe you should just take a deep breath, okay Sparkle? Maybe?"  And I'm all like

So the braids are done, we head to school and just to fully drill down the point, I alternate between giving her dirty looks every time she pouts at me, and sternly telling her (again and again and again) that if she doesn't listen to me from now on she is never watching TV AGAIN.  Like ever.  So the car ride looked a little like this:

Of course, as soon as I drop Mini off with a "I still love you, have a nice day." I feel like shit.  The guilt train literally runs me over all day long.  And the fact that I wouldn't get to make it up to her at all until today because had my grad school class that night made me feel even more like an asshole.  I even emailed Mini's teachers to ask them to "Give her a hug from Mommy."  Seriously you guys-what the fuck is wrong with me?  I'm the worst. mother. ever.

And you you want to know the saddest part?  This morning, Mini was so excited to show me a "beautiful surprise" that she made for me last night when I was in class.  She was so cute in her little nightgown, holding my hand down the stairs and telling me not to peek at the "beautiful surprise."  Guess what it was???  

Every fucking pony in the house on the handle of her brush.  

Mister said while I was in class, she worked so hard to find all of them and put them back on the handle of the brush "because it would make Mommy so happy."  Seriously, I am a terrible, terrible mother.  I gave Mini a huge hug and choked on my tears of guilt and failure as a mother.

And then?  She did it all over again this morning.  Little non-listening, Sofia Zombie asshole!  But today, I didn't lose my shit and turn into Mommie Dearest.  I kept my cool and prodded her along firmly and gently, like a good mother.  But tonight after she goes to bed??

No Wire Hangers EVER in my house, bitches.
SD