Of Course

Trying to fight the mid-afternoon, working mother, too many carbs at lunch exhaustion and my fairy godmother (aka my main gay) sent this to me for a number of reasons and suddenly I'm up again!  Of course Michelle Pfeiffer as a Pink Lady is perfectly perfect perfection and I've already added this song to my running playlist.  I feel like an asshole that I ever forgot about it in the first place.  I'm totally wearing my motorcycle jacket tomorrow.  Not sure if I can swing a ladder-top sexy dance.  Although I DID just try a pole/chair dancing class for the first time on Saturday and  feel confident that with this song and enough alcohol, I could totally scandalize a step ladder.  Or at least Mini's teeth brushing step-stool.

Not Too Pure to Be Pink,

SD  

WTF-ness Overload

Mini and I went to visit my bestie this past weekend. It's the first time Mini has ever flown and I did it by myself. Going back to this post, I feel as though I deserve a mommy badge for that feat. And doing it hungover on the way home, after two days of too much wine, too many screaming kids and not enough sleep? Fuck that. I most DEFINITELY deserve an award. Anyway, my thoughts are so scrambled today so below is a list of random WTF-ness that is going through my head.

1-Single Mommy-ness: The Mister was at a golf/bachelor party all weekend (which is why Mini and I packed up to see Slizzard since her husband was also partaking in the debauchery). It was a fun weekend for me in a different way but completely exhausting from traveling with Mini. She was a total rockstar, but is a busy girl and I really didn't want to be the mom with the screaming asshole kid on the plane. So I had every imaginable treat, book, toy, game I could stuff into my bag and used them all to try to keep her entertained. (Turns out she thought the in-flight drink menu was way more exciting than what I brought. Don't even judge). I was literally so tired when I got home last night that when we were eating dinner I interrupted him telling me about how it was a perfect night to snuggle on the couch after we put Mini to bed to inform him that I was so tired that I wanted to cry. And I did. Want to cry. Even more so when he reminded me that he is leaving for Chicago tomorrow morning for three days. It took much restraint and self-control to not smash my delicious pizza in his face and shove pepperoni up his nose. Fuck! Luckily a good night's rest ( I was asleep by 8:00) put things into perspective and I feel much less like puncturing his man bits with my pointiest heels. Plus two nights of being able to catch up on my favorite shows (none of which he likes) and g-chat with my pals without feeling like a neglectful wife isn't SO bad.

2-Coachella Fashion. Seriously you guys. What the FUCK are people thinking when they dress for this event? I know it's a hippy dippy drug and music bash in the desert, but it appears to me that it's also a competition to see who can dress like the most whacked out, piece of fug hooker trash on the block. I just can't with these bitches: (but check out K. Stew's Hat!)













3. East Coast Weather. Two weeks ago I was wearing sundresses and sandals. Today I had to get my winter coat back out of the closet. WTF? When I make the warm weather switch to open toed shoes, pretty pink pedicures, and white wine, I get really salty when I have to bust the boots back out and mess up my pedi. (Going back to red wine when it's cold isn't QUITE as tough. I'm adaptable like that). But seriously, I need Mother Earth to make up her f-ing mind so it doesn't take me 25 minutes and three outfit changes to figure out what to wear each morning.

4. Bikram Yoga. Turns out I LOVE this stuff. I seriously felt remarkably more peaceful, healthier, and more zen-ish after one class than I have felt in a very long time. Like ever. Same for the second class I took. So why the "WTF"? Because it's 90 goddamn minutes long and I only have that kind of time once a week, if that. And I have to drive almost 20 minutes to get there. Isn't there some sort of "Bikram Light" that could open up in the yoga studio across the street so I could actually do it with any amount of regularity? Why do Bikram yogi hate working mothers?

I think that's it for now. Despite my weekend of pouring wine (red and white) in my gullet, I am counting down until I can head home and pour a glass (red, due to this bullshit weather) and finish the final "50 Shades" book on my iPhone while playing tea party with Mini and her 48 baby dolls (all named "baby doll").

Laters, baby.

SD

PS-This is my new favorite time suck EVER.

Oops, I Crapped My Pants.

We’ve been potty training Mini SD. She is about to turn 3 so I thought it was time she embraced a diaper-free lifestyle. I was DREADING it like I used to dread my alarm going off at 6:30 A.M. when I got home at 4:00. (Now that I am a responsible adult, obviously I don’t pull shenanigans like that anymore). Anyway-I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t as dreadful as I had thought. We went the “straight to big girl panties” route. None of the pull-up diaper shit. She wore one a few times before we started trying and the thing is, a pull up is still a fucking diaper. It’s just bigger, bulkier, and doesn’t absorb a thing so it gives your kid the illusion of being able to piss to their hearts content, when in actuality the first time you pick them up, you are immediately soaked in urine. So after researching different methods, I just threw some princess panties on Mini and made plans to be a hermit for a weekend. And luckily, between princess panties and gummy worms (Mini’s favorite treat) she has been a diaper-free rock star. Like even the teachers at daycare are asking me what I did. WHAT? No one ever asks for my parenting advice. I will say that my BFF, Slizzard gave me a few pointers and went so far as to say she should be an Independent Potty Training Consultant, but I still think it was my rad parenting skills that made the difference. Mini has had a very small number of pee accidents and not a single poo mishap. I was feeling all sorts of proud and wise until this past weekend. We had Mini’s 3^rd birthday party. It was her first “friend” party and it was awesome. 17 toddlers and 18 adults came to celebrate my little girl and she made her party girl mama proud. It was a dance party/hop the kids up on pink cupcakes and let them run around and act a fool party. Mini was having an amazing time and I was, again, feeling super proud of my mommy skills. Until my own mother came up while I was receiving praise about my awesome party skills from another mommy and whispered in my ear “SD. We have a situation.” I walked over and saw that Mini had some sort of tail/growth on her bottom. Except. Oh, no, it wasn’t a growth. My child was just so excited about how much fun her party was that she LITERALLY shat in her pants. And thought that since it wasn’t wet, it was no big whoop and wanted to party on. Seriously?! We’ve made it almost a month with minimal potty training disasters, and Mini chooses to shit on my proud parent parade here?! F! Luckily, very few people realized what was happening because they were all chasing their own sugar-blitzed kids, so I was able to get Mini all fixed up and back in the party with only a few people knowing about it. And that’s only because I couldn’t help laughing and saying that she liked her party so much that she literally shit her pants. So now, people are going to look back at her party fondly and some will (hopefully) remind her when she is being a bitchy teenager that at her first real party, she pooped her pants. HA. I just hope she doesn’t have the same kind of poo revulsion that I have. Otherwise I might be in for some hefty therapy bills. (for both of us)

Shits and Giggles,

SD

Take Me Out

So all of a sudden, I feel like quite the social butterfly. Throughout the winter, I felt a little bit reclusive (as much as I can be), doing lots of stay-at-home with the fam type things. And now I am preparing to embark on my third weekend in a row of actual playdates with grown-ups! I am almost giddy about this fun turn of events. It actually started last night with a visit from my good friend Nikki O'Connor (hey, girl!) and a few bottles of wine. And it doesn't hurt that my weekend actually starts tonight, with a mini happy hour at a fun little wine bar. (One of the benefits of working at a school is Good Friday is a holiday for me) The trouble will come AFTER the happy hour, when I should go home, but nice weather and wine will make me want to stay out and go to one of the truly rando bars that surround the wine bar. I'm hoping Grown-Up me will send my ass home, but she usually takes off after two glasses of wine, so we'll see... (Tipsy Me is one irresponsible hooka!)

Also on the agenda-Bikram Yoga tomorrow (which I feel certain I will love or hate violently) and a freaking pole/chair dance class that I bought a Groupon for quite impulsively. Then I'll be taking my freaky yogi self out with my Mister for an actual grown-up dinner with other adults. No children. No Mini asking me for "sumpin' else" every 10 minutes? What's happening to my life?!

Anyway, I hope you all have something sparkly planned this weekend. Or at least get your fill of Cadbury eggs.

Get Your Freak On,

SD