Fucking Emojis

Emojis make me uncomfortable.  Who the hell kind of teenage ninja geishas think of these fucking things?  Just say your words.  Like a big girl.   Say your words and say what you mean.

Fucking Emojis.

The Awful Truth

I've had a revelation within the past week.  I realized something about myself that I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit, but will do it anyway, because the three friends of mine that read this thing will appreciate it and probably laugh at me (not WITH me) because it is so out of my sparkle box that it's humiliating.

I'm a fucking stalker-mom.  For real.  I didn't realize it until my little one started camp at the school I work at, but it turns out, I am not as cool as I thought I was as a mother.  Mini SD has gone to pre-school here since she was four months old, and like most moms, I love to catch little glimpses of her while I am out and about during the work day.  When she was a baby, I used to go visit her, like most moms do.  However, about the time she turned 2 and realized I am the best thing in her life (for now) she would get super happy to see me and then weep like a baby when I left, leaving me to slink out of the room with the teachers cursing me under their breath.  So I stopped doing that and only popped in for birthdays, because I don't want to be THAT asshole parent.

So anyway, for the past week and a half, Mini has been in a camp in my building.  We come in each morning, she plays in my office and then I walk her out to camp.  The first few days she clung to me like a desperate ex-boyfriend.  By the third day though, she was skipping in without looking back.  SCORE! I thought she would warm up to it because three of her other friends were there. I was feeling like a champion mom for having gotten her through the first two days so she could feel confident going in to camp with all of these big kids.  Because in my eyes-camp was scary for her!  She had to navigate the big cafeteria and carry her food AND her water-ALL BY HERSELF.  She had to speak up when one of her little asshole friends was pushing her around-FRIGHTENING!

How do I know she had to do all of this?  Because I'm a fucking stalker-mom.  My office has a huge window that looks into the cafeteria where this all goes down.  So every day, for the past seven days, I peek out my window and watch her to make sure she's okay. I watch her try to walk around the big kids and not spill her water or her lunch plate while she tries to find her friends. I witnessed some little four year old bitch mean girl my Mini and it took all of my will power not to go out there and knock that ho off her chair.  (yes, that ho was four years old, but whatever).  And I made the decision to send her to camp again this week because I thought it would be good for her to come when none of her pre-school friends were here, to make new friends and gain MORE confidence.  I thought it would be good for her (and for me).  As it turns out, it has been good for her and AWFUL for me.  The first day when she didn't know anyone and kept to herself at snack, I wanted to weep.  Even though, she was fine and made new little friends by lunch.  How do I know she made new friends?  BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING STALKER-MOM!!!  I continue to peep out at her every chance I can-including when they go outside to run through the sprinklers.  She's gotten in the habit of looking over at my window and waving now, every time she's in the cafeteria.  How fucking humiliating!  I'm sure the teachers are like WHAT THE FUCK?! because I'm not just some anonymous crazy mom.  I'm one of their colleagues!  Someone who is known to be pretty laid back and fun!  And here I am being a fucking creepy peeper on my own child, in a very un-cool way.  Eventually, Mini will catch on that what I am doing is embarrassing and disown me.  I'm sure of it.  I hope it's not until she's much older and on the pill, or at least until I'm finished with grad school and can afford therapy, but at this point that seems unlikely.

I honestly did not anticipate that I would be this kind of mom.  I thought I would be so laid back, letting my kid get some scraped knees and learn to be a strong independent woman.  I did not think I would need spy on her to make sure she smiles at least twice during both snack and lunch to focus on my day.  I may have been more likely to believe that  I will wear khaki chinos and flats on a regular basis some day.  (NEVER) Maybe it's because of all of the "your kid might end up working the day shift at Scores one day because she won't trace an 'A'" drama in the fall?  I don't know.  I do know that this experience has truly been a horrific, eye-opening exercise in self-actualization.

The good news is that there is only three more days of camp to go.  Three more days until she is back in the other building, where I can't see and stalk her like it's my job and go back to focusing on my ACTUAL job full time.

The better news is that at least I'm not a helicopter parent or a tiger mom because THOSE bitches are crazy!!

SD

A Pretty Lady

So I went to get waxed today.  I hate doing it but I love the finished product that usually lasts me for at least 4 weeks.  Have you guys been waxed before?  I don't mean eyebrows either.  I'm talking about your precious lady bits.  I do it fairly regularly, and always (at least for the past 5 years) go Brazilian style, because, why not?  

Anyway, if you have been waxed downtown before, you know if is not a comfortable experience.  It hurts like a muthafucka, and can be a little awkward due to the yoga -type positions you are forced to get in without any drawers on.   And if you've ever had a guy do it, all I have to say is WHAT??!!  Usually my parts are pretty angry at me for at least a day.  I can't say I blame them.  Pouring hot wax on them and then ripping it out violently?  Pretty wicked stuff.  I always try to act like it only merely pinches a bit, because for some reason I don't want the waxer to feel bad. So I lay on the table, in a position I only get in for my OB/GYN, when the nice waxer lady says, "See we're almost done!  Not so bad, right?" I'm all:

 Inside however, I am more like this:

And then in less than 10 minutes, the process is over, and I walk out thinking, "That wasn't so bad/awkward/mind-numbingly painful!"  Luckily, today, the pain quotient was only slightly worse than being poked in the eye by a french fry dipped in hot sauce for 10 minutes.  The awkward factor was a little more than expected.  Because once she moved "to the back" it went from a little awkward to "walking in on your grandparents doing it doggy style" awkward.  You know about "the back" right?  Because when you get it Brazilian style, they not only do the hot wax/hair ripping torture on the front (and in all of the nooks and crannies) but also "in the back."  And for someone (like me) who doesn't like to think about things relating to "the back", this is the part I dread the most. And this is when things got fucking weird.

First, instead of just saying she was "starting on the back" like most normal waxers do, she said, "Now put your legs up by your head like you're the baby and I'm the mama and I am about to change your diaper."

WHAT. THE. FUCK.  

I know that to get a proper Brazilian, multiple uncomfortable positions are required.  I know this.  But I have NEVER had someone put it that way before and it was so fucking awkward and weird that I started sweating because WHAT THE FUCK?  Why would she say that?!  Why?!

And then.  When I was allowed to put my legs back down and we were all done and I had stopped sweating she said the following.  "You have a very pretty lady."

At first I thought I didn't hear her and that she said "You ARE a very pretty lady."  Which would have been weird enough considering she hadn't really been looking me in the eye while we made small talk to forget the fact she was torturing my vagina.  So I was like "Thanks."  

But then she said "Yes, normally after a baby they aren't as pretty, but your lady is so, so pretty!"

Not to be repetitive, but...

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!?

I definitely wasn't able to hide my horror.  So I slipped off the table, shoved some money at her, and was like "Ha. Right, Okay thanks, bye!"

Some days, it's like I'm on candid camera.  I don't know how else to explain this shit.  So while my pretty lady will stop throbbing with pain soon and recover from the experience, I don't know if I ever will.  

Seriously.  WHAT. THE. FUCK?

The End.