I'm a fucking stalker-mom. For real. I didn't realize it until my little one started camp at the school I work at, but it turns out, I am not as cool as I thought I was as a mother. Mini SD has gone to pre-school here since she was four months old, and like most moms, I love to catch little glimpses of her while I am out and about during the work day. When she was a baby, I used to go visit her, like most moms do. However, about the time she turned 2 and realized I am the best thing in her life (for now) she would get super happy to see me and then weep like a baby when I left, leaving me to slink out of the room with the teachers cursing me under their breath. So I stopped doing that and only popped in for birthdays, because I don't want to be THAT asshole parent.
So anyway, for the past week and a half, Mini has been in a camp in my building. We come in each morning, she plays in my office and then I walk her out to camp. The first few days she clung to me like a desperate ex-boyfriend. By the third day though, she was skipping in without looking back. SCORE! I thought she would warm up to it because three of her other friends were there. I was feeling like a champion mom for having gotten her through the first two days so she could feel confident going in to camp with all of these big kids. Because in my eyes-camp was scary for her! She had to navigate the big cafeteria and carry her food AND her water-ALL BY HERSELF. She had to speak up when one of her little asshole friends was pushing her around-FRIGHTENING!
How do I know she had to do all of this? Because I'm a fucking stalker-mom. My office has a huge window that looks into the cafeteria where this all goes down. So every day, for the past seven days, I peek out my window and watch her to make sure she's okay. I watch her try to walk around the big kids and not spill her water or her lunch plate while she tries to find her friends. I witnessed some little four year old bitch mean girl my Mini and it took all of my will power not to go out there and knock that ho off her chair. (yes, that ho was four years old, but whatever). And I made the decision to send her to camp again this week because I thought it would be good for her to come when none of her pre-school friends were here, to make new friends and gain MORE confidence. I thought it would be good for her (and for me). As it turns out, it has been good for her and AWFUL for me. The first day when she didn't know anyone and kept to herself at snack, I wanted to weep. Even though, she was fine and made new little friends by lunch. How do I know she made new friends? BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING STALKER-MOM!!! I continue to peep out at her every chance I can-including when they go outside to run through the sprinklers. She's gotten in the habit of looking over at my window and waving now, every time she's in the cafeteria. How fucking humiliating! I'm sure the teachers are like WHAT THE FUCK?! because I'm not just some anonymous crazy mom. I'm one of their colleagues! Someone who is known to be pretty laid back and fun! And here I am being a fucking creepy peeper on my own child, in a very un-cool way. Eventually, Mini will catch on that what I am doing is embarrassing and disown me. I'm sure of it. I hope it's not until she's much older and on the pill, or at least until I'm finished with grad school and can afford therapy, but at this point that seems unlikely.
I honestly did not anticipate that I would be this kind of mom. I thought I would be so laid back, letting my kid get some scraped knees and learn to be a strong independent woman. I did not think I would need spy on her to make sure she smiles at least twice during both snack and lunch to focus on my day. I may have been more likely to believe that I will wear khaki chinos and flats on a regular basis some day. (NEVER) Maybe it's because of all of the "your kid might end up working the day shift at Scores one day because she won't trace an 'A'" drama in the fall? I don't know. I do know that this experience has truly been a horrific, eye-opening exercise in self-actualization.
The good news is that there is only three more days of camp to go. Three more days until she is back in the other building, where I can't see and stalk her like it's my job and go back to focusing on my ACTUAL job full time.
The better news is that at least I'm not a helicopter parent or a tiger mom because THOSE bitches are crazy!!
SD
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