Deep Thoughts About Freedom

I have an ex-fiance.  People who have known and loved me long time already know this about me.  But it's sometimes fun to drop this factoid on new friends and see their reactions.  I don't think it's all that scandalous, but sometimes the reactions I get are equivalent (in my opinion) to those I might get if I was admitting I used to be a professional stripper or sex-phone worker.(neither of which is on my resume so don't start judging, bitches.)  Seriously-people are so easily scandalized these days!

Anyway, so back in the day when I was breaking off my engagement (a million years ago or 14 if you're being picky) I had a theme song.  Nothing new, right?  By now, you've all learned that your girl NEEDS a theme song at all times.  Sometimes it's relevant to my life and struggles at that particular time.  And sometimes it's just my jam of the moment.  Right now, my current theme song is "Primadonna" by Marina and the Diamonds.  Not because I AM one (yes, I am).  But because I really like it right now, and when I listen to it, my inner Beyonce is happy.  

Anyway. Back when I was a wee little Sparkle Baby, breaking up with a super nice, not at all for me boy, my theme song was "Freedom 90" by George Michael.  Do you remember how fucking AWESOME that video was?  When it first came out in the early '90's, it totally fed my obsession with the fashion-y, supermodel-y culture and I loved it.  When I rediscovered the song in 2000, after I gave back the super sparkler rock, as I was packing up our shared apartment to move out I was like YES.  YES!!!!  THIS is my STORY!!!!  

Even when I hear it today, it still makes me want to stop, drop, and strut, being thankful I didn't get stuck in that disaster of a relationship...

Anyway-the point of this whole ass-backwards post is the concept of "freedom".  I recently had a conversation with my little brother, who is stuck in a 17 year old frame of mind, despite the fact that he is 33.  And he is constantly struggling with freedom-both literally and figuratively.  After a recent spell of non-freedom, he is now "free" but feeling likes he's being held down.  And I realized that his concept of "freedom" is a little fucked up, as mine might have been, before I had my genius revelation.  And here it is:

Once you love someone, something, have a child, have a job, have a friend....  you are never really free!!!  Freedom in a traditional sense means being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want.  But once you claim the responsibility of loving someone, whether it's a friend, lover, partner, husband, whatever, or holding a job, you forfeit a certain degree of freedom because you can no longer act as though your actions don't affect those people.  So while I think I am pretty free because I have a Mister who lets me dance on bars and go out with my girls whenever I want, I now have this voice in the back of my head that judges me when I do these things, thereby taking some pleasure out of the experience.  So really, I'm not totally free.  Physically?  Absolutely?  Mentally?  Hell, no.  I have judgy bitch up in there now and she makes all sorts of "good ideas" seem like crap after a while.

Anyway.  Sorry to get all philosophical today.  But I had a new thought, and when something hits you, like my "freedom concept", I felt the need to share.  I promise to get back to my drunken, sparkle posts next time.  But I hope you're feeling super enlightened by my revelations.  

Preach, bitches.

SD